The Number Two
by Hanajima-san
Summary: The Gotei 13's real thoughts on their own "number twos"
1. Chapter 1

** This is my first ever fanfic, so be nice, please! I figured every captain has strong opinions about his or her lieutenant, so I thought I'd write them down. Reviews are lovely things! Criticism is nice, but being mean is not. I'll work on the rest of the captains if I get 5 reviews.**

**

* * *

**

Yamamoto stared at the back of his lieutenant's head with surprising intensity for a man who never opened his eyes. He could _tell_ the fool wasn't doing his paperwork as he'd specified at least three times, but damn it all, he couldn't remember the man's name!

The founder of the shinigami racked his brain, running through a mental list of captains and their lieutenants. Nothing.

Maybe if he didn't think about it, it would come to him. Yes, that was a good plan. It would pop up any minute now.

Surely he'd think of it soon.

It was something with an S, he was almost positive.

Maybe it was a C.

Yamamoto sighed. It was going to be a very long day.

* * *

Soi Fong glared at the fat slob across the room, watching him stuff his face. He was on his fourth bag of microwave popcorn, and holding strong. She never should have let him take that trip to Reality where he discovered, as he put it, the food of the gods.

She was going to have to think of a particularly horrible way to kill him some day. She was never going to get any work done with that gluttonous fool wolfing down any and all food that came near him.

If he popped one more bag of popcorn she was going to take his stupid chair and beat him over his stupid head then shove it down his stupid throat then blow him up into a bunch of stupid little pieces and proceed to jump on them until she felt better. Then she might burn them. Or freeze them. When was the last time she talked to Hitsugaya? He might do it.

No, definitely burn them. Much more satisfying.

* * *

It's so depressing to be around people who never smiled. Gin had always rather liked smiling. So much, in fact, he did it nearly all the time. Kira never did though. So sad.

Maybe he should try to make him smile. That would make everyone happy. Everyone always said that smiling is contagious. Perhaps, if Kira saw him smiling, he would begin to smile too. He forced the corners of his mouth out of their usual position and spread them into an even wider grin. Then he cleared his throat loudly.

Kira looked up. He wasn't smiling. The lieutenant studied his captain for a moment. When it became clear Gin wasn't going to say anything, he turned back to whatever it was he was doing. He still wasn't smiling. In fact, he looked mildly repulsed.

A new tactic would be needed. "Kira, would you like to hear a joke?" Yes, a joke would work. Everyone liked jokes. Kira turned slowly around. The expression on his face was so oppressively saddening Gin felt the urge to break down and cry. For the first time in as long as anyone could remember, Gin's smile slowly disappeared.

He'd make him smile tomorrow, for sure.

* * *

**For the record, Yamamoto-soutaicho's lieutenant's name is Chojiro Sasakibe. It was never actually mentioned in the manga or anime, it was in a book Tite Kubo published w/ trivia'n'stuff. I had to Google it -.-' Poor guy. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Because I totally forgot in the first chapter, here is my lovely disclaimer.**

**I don't own Bleach or its characters. Wish I did, but I don't.**

**Also, part of Soi Fong's angry rampage was inspired by the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I'm not attempting plagiarism, I promise. Yay reviews! (Hint hint)**

* * *

Isane was such a sweet girl. A little insecure, maybe, but very kind, and very good at her job.

Unohana watched her lieutenant move among the patients of the fourth division, offering comfort and healing where she could. She could remember the day she requested Isane Kotetsu as her lieutenant. A calm, quiet soul, with incredible abilities in kido. She could hold her own in a fight, and was one of the best healers they had.

There was of course, one other reason for her lieutenant. As Unohana was not particularly tall woman, it was very handy to have someone who could actually reach the top shelf of her office. It was so very undignified to stand on chairs.

* * *

Sosuke Aizen sighed and leaned back in his chair. It was good to be the king. His incredible web of deception and lies was nearly complete, and any day now he would rise to the top of the world and destroy the puny worms beneath him. These… fools who had held him back would soon be nothing more than dust when HE ruled the world. They truly were idiots, all of them.

Aizen chuckled evilly to himself, rubbing his hands together. He simply couldn't wait until the day he could kill off all the stupid shinigami one by one, slowly, painfully… Aizen gave his best evil laugh. When he was king of the world, a good evil laugh would—

"Um… Captain Aizen? Are you okay?" Momo Hinamori stood in the door, wide-eyed. She clutched a few papers that she'd obviously been told to deliver.

"Oh, uh, hello, Hinamori. Yes, I'm fine." Still looking frightened, Hinamori placed the papers on his desk and scurried away, shooting furtive glances over her shoulder.

Damn. He'd have to be more careful about where he practiced his evil laughter.

* * *

Kuchiki Byakuya rubbed his temples in a futile attempt to ward off a throbbing headache. His lieutenant had not stopped talking since coming to the office drunk. He'd spent the night drinking with Matsumoto and Hisagi, it seemed, and Renji had decided it was time Hisagi and Matsumoto got together.

While Renji prattled on about methods of setting people up, Byakuya restrained the growing need to bash his head against something both hard and pointy. Preferably his zanpakuto. Rather than try to impale himself, Byakuya decided to see how long Renji could go without taking a breath.

20 minutes later, Renji had yet to take a breath, and the zanpakuto option was looking better and better.

* * *

**Okay, so not my best work, but I kinda liked it. Yeah, Aizen's is more about him then his lieutenant, but he only thinks about himself anyway, so I thought it fit. And he desperately needed an evil laugh.**

**BTW, I don't really go for Hisagi/Matsumoto, it just seemed like something Renji would babble about when drunk and sleep-deprived.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I was planning on waiting until I got 15 review to post this one, but that doesn't seem to be happening. So, I'll post now and raise the ante to -gasp- 20 reviews! For next chapter, that is. Anyway, onto the next batch! I felt all inspired for these guys. I still don't own Bleach, and I still love reviews. Lots of them. Nice ones. Possibly with virtual brownies attached. –coughcough EDWB-**

**Also, I took a little creative license with Iba… I hope nobody attacks me or something. It was a very convenient plot device, I promise.

* * *

**

Sajin Komamura was rather fond of his lieutenant. A good warrior, and very loyal. The only time the captain wasn't particularly fond of him was when he was off drinking with Ikkaku. Although, he did get in some decent training fighting over who was to buy the sake…

One thing in particular stood out about Iba. He was very, very nearsighted. Few people knew it, and Iba didn't like to advertise the fact. However, it made things very easy to conceal. As far as his lieutenant knew, the only reason he wore a helmet 24/7 was because Komamura had a particularly bad barber who was incapable of shaving him properly, and gave him a haircut that made the "man" look as though he had horns. Frankly, Komamura wasn't doing anything to discourage his misconceptions.

He should probably let him know some time though.

Maybe.

…Nah.

* * *

"So, as I was saying, the brawl that broke out last blah blah blah blah blah—"

Shunsui Kyoraku stared dreamily at his vice-captain. She was lecturing him about… something. He wasn't really paying attention. All he could think about was how lovely she looked with her brow all furrowed up, and how beautiful her hair looked with the light reflecting off it just so, and how her cheeks were simply rapturous when she was angry, and—

"Captain Kyoraku?" Shunsui started as she snapped his name. "You're paying attention, right?

"Of course, my lovely Nanao-chan. Please continue."

"So anyway, when I blah blah blah blah blah—"

Ah, such a beautiful woman. Shunsui couldn't understand why she wasn't throwing herself at his feet. It had happened with every other women he ever-

"CAPTAIN!"

* * *

"Shuhei, would you please get me the forms Captain Ukitake requested?"

There was silence.

"Shuhei?"

More silence.

Kaname Tousen almost growled. There had been a lot of pressure on his lieutenant lately, and he'd taken to sneaking off when he thought his captain wasn't paying attention.

"Dammit, Shuhei, I'm not stupid. I can SENSE you! I know you're there! Answer me, lieutenant!"

Silence.

"SHUHEI, IF THOSE PAPERS AREN'T IN MY HAND IN 30 SECONDS, I SWEAR, I'LL… I'll…"

Tousen suddenly realized that while he was yelling, he had stopped paying attention to Shuhei's reitsu. Consequently, the vice-captain was long gone.

With a smirk, Shuhei Hisagi shoved his hands in his pockets and strolled away from 9th division headquarters.

* * *

**Because there are 4 captains left, I'll either have four in the next chapter or split it into two. Probably the latter. Well? Whadja think? Good? Bad? Ugly? (sorry) Let me know! –hinthint-**

**I'm rather fond of Tousen's. Seriously, who WOULDN'T sneak away from this guy? He's annoying and blind. It's too easy.  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Huzzah! A new chapter. I've only got 10 and 11 in this chapter; I'll save 12 and 13 for the final chapter. (gasp!) As always, I don't own Bleach or any of the characters. I'm not setting a quota or anything for reviews but that doesn't mean stop reviewing. Even if you already reviewed, review again! There's a concept for you. All right, I'll shut up now.

* * *

**

Rangiku Matsumoto giggled and leaned over Toshiro Hitsugaya's desk, leaving very little to the imagination.

"-hic- Betsha can't guess what –hic- I did today, cap'n. Betsha can't!" She giggled again, and wiped a little drool from the corner of her mouth.

"Bet I can," Hitsugaya muttered. He was not in a very good mood. Ukitake had made yet another of his inexplicable candy runs, tactfully ignored Matsumoto, and went on his way, leaving the 10th division captain with a large bag of candy and a very drunk vice-captain. "Matsumoto, please sit down. Waving certain parts of your anatomy in my face will not make you any less in trouble then you already are."

Matsumoto stared. "But cap'n, -hic- I can't sit down. The bunniesh'll get me." She said this with such sincerity Hitsugaya had to marvel at her state of inebriation. "Shpiders –hic- too. They're all over there." She gestured in the direction she clearly thought was her desk but was in fact the window.

"Matsumoto?"

"Yesh, cap'n?"

"You're drunk. Please sit down."

"-hic- Yesh cap'n."

* * *

"Ken-chan?"

"What?"

"Can I have candy?"

"What? No!"

"Pleeeeeease?"

"No!"

"PLEAAAAAAAASE?"

Zaraki Kenpachi stared at his vice captain. She'd somehow gotten her hands on a children's bouncy toy from the real world and sat bouncing on it, pink hair refusing to change shape despite her constant movement.

"Ken-chan, I want candy!"

"You can't have any, Yachiru. It'll make you hyper."

Yachiru pondered this for a moment.

"Ken-chan, I'm already hyper. So can I have candy?"

Zaraki thought about that. This was true. It probably wasn't possible for her to get any more hyper.

"So, where am I supposed to get candy?"

"Sick-guy always gives some to Shiro-chan. I'll go bother him. Bye Ken-chan!" She tore out of the room with amazing speed for someone on a bouncy toy.

* * *

**Next chapter will be the last one. -shock- Keep reviewing! Thank you everyone that has so far, all of you get the cyber baked good of your choice. Aren't I amazing? Yes, now REVIEW!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Ta da! The fifth and final chapter! The long awaited, greatly anticipated 12th and 13th divisions! Seriously, though, I'm really sorry for not writing sooner. You may throw things if you wish. They probably won't hit me, but it might make you feel better. The long hiatus was mostly my issue with Mayuri. I find him seriously creepy, and I had no idea what to write for him and Nemu… the result is barely humorous, but done all the same. Enjoy!**

**Still don't own Bleach. :(**

* * *

Mayuri Kurotsuchi was bored. Mayuri Kurotsuchi was a mad genius, a mastermind, a brilliant shinigami capable of incredible things. And he was bored. He stared around the room at the other attendees of the annual captain/vice captain meeting. He watched Shunsui sucking a finger that Nanao had smacked away only seconds previously. He watched Unohana smiling gently at something Isane had just whispered in her ear. He watched Byakuya roll his eyes at Renji's brash behavior in general.

He turned to his own vice captain. Nemu sat ramrod straight, staring straight ahead. She was loyal, certainly, and followed every order to the T. She might have even maybe possibly sort of saved his life on more than one occasion. But she never kept him entertained. Perhaps Mayuri had not created the perfect vice captain.

As soon as the words "not" and "perfect" drifted through his head, he immediately rejected the idea. Something he created, not perfect? Never.

It was better to be bored than to be not perfect.

Probably.

* * *

"Ukitake-taichou! I've brewed your morning tea!" Sentaro gave an odd sort of salute in front of Ukitake's desk, making the tea tray he held in his free hand wobble dangerously.

"Idiot!" Kiyone snapped, smacking the back of his head. "You almost dropped Ukitake-taichou's tea! I don't understand how ANYONE could be so stupid." The tea tray gave another rattle, the teapot sliding morosely towards the edge of the tray. Even the teapot knew what was coming.

"Jerk!" Sentaro snapped, turning to return the blow. With the motion, the teapot decided suicide was better than whatever happened next, and flung itself desperately from the tray. There was a moment of dead silence after the subsequent shatter.

"YOU DOOFUS!" Kiyone roared with surprising volume for such a small person.

Unnoticed by the two third seats, Ukitake gave a little sigh and laid his head on his desk. They were incredibly loyal, of course, but he couldn't help wishing they'd have their little "I can yell louder than you can" contests somewhere other than his office. He watched with some interest the tea that spread from the remains of the suicidal pot, and waited for the third seats to replace his morning tea. They'd get around to it eventually.

He hoped.

* * *

**Meh. I'm not as fond of these as some of the others, but this completes my captains/vice captains series. Hurray! I'll probably work more on my Bleach drabble series, called A Spoonful of Bleach. (blatant plug) I hope you enjoyed!**


End file.
